Dienstag, 1. Dezember 2015

Happy Birthday! (oder: Es leben die Marx Brothers!)

A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store – I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might’ve stopped me – might’ve – is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle – you know – it would’ve been a blood bath.
GAIL: Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.
MICKEY: Naturally, I, I – Do you know I – The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!
GAIL: It was on your shirt!
One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. Ya know I just felt that in a Godless universe I didn’t wanna go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, I’m gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I’m wrong, what if there is a God. I mean, after all nobody really knows that. Then I thought no, ya know maybe is not good enough, I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot. [gun fires] All of a sudden the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger squeezed the trigger inadvertantly. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly neighbors were pounding on the door, and I dunno the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door, I didn’t know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused and my mind was racing a mile a minute. And I just knew one thing I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and clear my head. I remember very clearly I walked the streets, I walked and I walked I what was going through my mind, it all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered for a long time on the upper west side, it must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding, and I had to sit down I went into a movie house. I didn’t know what was playing or anything I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and the movie was a film that I’d seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I’m watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film. I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself, I mean isn’t it so stupid. Look at all the people up there on the screen, they’re real funny, and what if the worst is true. What if there is no God and you only go around once and that’s it. Well, ya know, don’t you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it’s not all a drag. And I’m thinking to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And after who knows, I mean maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that’s the best we have. And then I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.

(Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters, 1986).

Sonntag, der 1. Dezember 2013

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Nach dem Essen ging Hans Köberlin auf den vorderen Hof, die Lage erkunden. Der Sturm hatte zwar etwas nachgelassen, aber es regnete nach wie vor stetig. Er ging auf die Dachterrassen und schaute sich um … Die Hochhäuser immer wieder befremdlich, doch nicht unangenehm (er hatte begonnen, sie zu dokumentieren, aber darüber später mehr), dann das Meer, das er in manchen Lücken, die sie, die Hochhäuser, ließen, sehen konnte, und natürlich der Peñón de Ifach und seine Brüder im Hinterland, die Tafelberge: die Sierra de Oltà, der Morro de Toix … es war wirklich gut hier, bloß es fehlte ihm die Frau so arg!* Hans Köberlin sah jedoch nach wie vor diesen Spagat für sich als notwendig an.
Hans Köberlin hatte mit einer Leere kokettiert, war aber anscheinend in eine Fülle geraten, der er emotional manchmal nur sehr schwer gewachsen war …

* Und er dachte daran, wie Jules de Goncourt über die Frau eines Freundes geschrieben, sie sei die Frau, die einem das Weiß ihres Fußes, das durch ihren Seidenstrumpf schimmere, sehen lasse, das Rosige ihres Arms durch den Tüll ihres weißen Kleides, die einem die Rundungen ihrer Taille in die Arme werfe, einen die Schläge ihres Herzens unter ihrem an die Brust gedrückten Busen zählen lasse, einem die Hitze ihrer Schenkel auf den Schoß übertrage, einem mit ihren Küssen ein wenig über die Lippen streiche … (vgl. Edmond & Jules de Goncourt, Journal. Erinnerungen aus dem literarischen Leben, Leipzig 2013, Bd. 3, S. 383).

(aus: ¡Hans Koberlin vive!, Kapitel VIII [Phase III – oder: Konsolidierung], 19. November bis 19. Dezember 2013).